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WOMAN WHO TRADES KIDS FOR BIRD

A Louisiana woman reportedly gave up her two children plus $175 in exchange for a $1500 cockatoo. (cnn.com) This should be a great lesson to us all– that you can never get too creative on your craigslist bargaining skills. Next time you can be like… Hmmm. I really like that coffee table. I’ll give you 20 bucks and my grandmother. Not to get all fancy with the math, but with that exchange rate, the going price for a kid appears to be about $662. Wow has our economy gone to the crapper. Seems like only yesterday you could get 10 times that just for an unfertilized human egg. Maybe kids are just one of those investments that lose value like a straight-off-the-lot Mitsubishi.

In case you haven’t entered yet, I highly recommend trying your hand slash ass shake at the Beyonce “Single Ladies” dance contest. There’s only a few more days to learn the moves, cut one arm off of your long sleeved swimsuit, and elongate your legs… but I have faith in you! You can do it!

A few weeks ago, I was really shaken when I almost hit a deer with my car. But the fear was lessened when a week later I had another near miss with a Fox darting across the road. I kinda laughed the next week when a bunny decided to hop right in front of my car as I was driving. But when a groundhog did that same move yesterday, it left me wondering, is nature fucking with me?

Plus doesn’t nature know that comedy happens in threes not fours? Maybe this is just a running gag the animal kingdom and I have. Next week it will be an elephant and a penguin, who’ll high five each other after making it across unscathed. The game keeps being fun– that is, as long as I can keep swerving in time….

I did standup last night for the first time in about a year. Didn’t plan it, but I think it went well after getting over the hump of remembering old jokes and inventing new ones. Maybe I’ll even go back for more soon.

When I went to Denver for drinks with some friends the other night, I think I got hit on. Sort of. While heading to the bathroom, I walk by the bar, and this guy nods and smirks at me and announces, “Not Bad!”

Now admittedly, it’s not self-esteem central with me, but, that’s it? “Not bad?” Not, “Whoa, hot stuff” or “This bitch is forshizzle.” For the record, he was white and 50ish, but nonetheless “Not bad,” is pretty much like saying to a girl, “What’s up there, mediocre?” Or “You are breathtakingly ordinary.”  There’s a point where I’d just prefer a really crappy pick up line like about how exhausted I must look from running in one’s dreams.

On a completely unrelated side note, does it concern anyone else that stores are running out of gun ammo? What the heck does that mean? Though it does remind me that it’s probably time to learn to run better, and not just in the dreams of strange men.